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Things That Make You Realize You Are Too Old To Be Considered “Cool” Anymore

June 20, 2017

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You might have been wondering where I have been…

To put it bluntly I have been away aging in a hole.

During this lovely period I was enlightened to the fact that I am actually, legitimately too old to be considered “cool” anymore.

Here within are some of the reasons why.

Things That Make You Realize You Are Too Old To Be Considered Cool Anymore

  •  When you can’t wear those hipster-high-waisted used Levi’s everyone looks so sexy in because they wouldn’t look good on you… They’d look like Mom jeans with the addition of camel toe.
  • When you are wearing a ripped sweat shirt and a twenty-year old deadpan asks you if it’s Yeezy and it is 100% your brother’s old hand-me-down shirt.
  • When you honestly (hand on heart) as an educated woman can, literally, not figure out Snapchat. (I have tried for the record three different times on different days and just don’t get it.) (This may or may not have also included watching a YouTube tutorial and STILL not understanding.)
  • When all the hipster kids you see on Instagram are waiting for Kendrick Lamar at Coachella and you are Googling the New Order performance.
  • I still have never tried matcha.
  • I still don’t know how to pronounce acai.
  • I have never done a cleanse.
  • I eat toast on the regular.
  • Circling back, I don’t know one Kendrick Lamar or Frank Ocean song.
  • When my heart shattered into a thousand pieces because my DVD player on my antiquated computer broke and I can no longer make mix cds.
  • When I’m genuinely contemplating going to the Counting Crows/Rob Thomas concert-and am quite giddy about it.
  • I’ve never done Molly.
  • Oh yeah, speaking of, I’ve never been to Coachella.
  • One of the reasons I’ve never been there, is that I generally think it would tire me too much. I really like to sit and enjoy air-conditioning.
  • I still use my library card-almost daily.
  • Not to be redundant but I’ve never been to Burning Man (obviously).
  • On my Google history is a lengthy list of acronyms friends use on the regular that I don’t have a clue what they mean. For example, but not limited too:-IRL, GOAT, SMH, HAGN, IDK, DGMW, YMMD.
  • I still don’t know what woke means.
  • I still handwrite letters.
  • I do not have a tattoo.
  • I do not watch The Bachelor.
  • I don’t have eyelash extensions.
  • The thought of microblading my eyebrows terrifies me.
  • I don’t vape.
  • I’m petrified of the sun and will only go to the beach with an umbrella looking like a bee keeper.
  • I’ve never done Whole30.
  • I only have two Apps on my phone, one of which is still Shazam.
  • I shop for bras that are comfortable, not sexy.
  • Going to bed before midnight excites me.
  • Canceled plans also make me pretty happy.
  • I consider my old college t-shirts and tube socks suitable workout wear; not these mesh leggings and sports bras with five straps across your tits.
  • I don’t go to Equinox/Soul Cycle/Juvenda Yoga.
  • I like a white wine spritzer.
  • I still order the bread basket.
  • Happy Hour is my favorite time of day and the most appropriate time to drink before I get too sleepy.
  • I would gladly cancel any party plans to binge watch House of Cards and feel no remorse, only joy at watching Claire Underwood.
  • I’d like to be Claire Underwood.
  • Not leaving the house on a Saturday is considered winning.
  • Also, not getting dressed is a good day.
  • I still live for Sex and the City reruns.
  • Jake Ryan is still considered my “dream man.”
  • Farm stands get me high.
  • I miss the days when I used to buy my bikinis online at Victoria’s Secret. Not like now having to purchase in person to see which has the most ass coverage.
  • It might be time to start wearing one pieces. But, all the one pieces are too high-cut and show too much ass.
  • There really isn’t an appropriate type of swimwear for my body type evidently.
  • Who is A$AP Rocky and why does he spell his name like that and how do you pronounce it?
  • I can’t wear crop tops.
  • My last name isn’t Hadid

 

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